Right or Wrong?

I find it so hard to tell if i'm in the right or in the wrong.

It should be so simple. Punch someone = wrong. Give money to charity = right. Those actions have clear cut, definitive labels, and you know if you are in the right or in the wrong.

But there is rarely a time in life when anything is clear cut, and this is where I find myself getting stuck. As humans, we are very clever at, subconsciously or not, changing the way we act to get the response we want. For example, my friend has a cookie and has been looking forward to eating it all day. I also want her cookie, so I make a big thing about being so so hungry and having had a really bad day, and eventually asks for the cookie. Am I in the wrong for trying to guilt her into giving it to me, or is she in the wrong for not helping me out when I've so clearly shown it would really help me out. 

I forever find myself being slightly selfish and doing things for me rather than someone else, and then I am guilted into feeling like I am in the wrong. But am I?

I really don't know. Is it wrong to be a little bit selfish? Should we constantly try to do our best to put others first, ignoring what we want? Would that be the right thing to do?

Or is it the people who ask you to do things for them, despite knowing it wouldn't benefit you, it would only benefit them, that are in the wrong? Is it okay for them to be able to guilt you into feeling bad about being a little bit selfish, just like someone has for me today. 

This is a question I daily struggle with, and I don't have the answer. I don't even know if this makes any sense. All I know is that it's something that isn't ever going to be clear cut. There probably isn't even an answer to this, so I guess I'll never know. I just wish I could find a way to separate myself from situations I am in and see it objectively, as that's probably the only thing that would help me to figure it out. 

7 Goals For 2015

1. Reply more. I may just be the worst replier in the world. I constantly look at texts, snapchats or notifications, read them, and then just don't reply, and it's an awful habit to have. Who wants to talk to someone who will one minute reply within a minute and the next take days to get back to you? I don't have any reason for it, it's just something I have a habit of doing, and I really want to work on ensuring I reply to everything I get sent in 2015, and quicker than I did in 2014. I'm not saying I'm going to reply as soon as I see it ALL the time, but do want to attempt to get back to people slightly quicker. So far, it's been going okay, so we'll see. 

2. Keep My Room Tidier. I have the biggest room in the house (as I am constantly reminded by people who want to store things in there) and so it's not really fair for me to let it get to messy all the time. I, by nature, am not a tidy person. I have putting things away, and am a bit of a hypocrisy in the fact that I love organisation, but find it really hard to do. I would love to have order and calm in my room, but I simply don't know how to order things, which makes it difficult. This is especially important this year, as with my imminent move to a university room, which will be much smaller than the room I am currently used to, I need to practice. Tidy room, tidy mind, as they say. 

3. Get rid of my verruca. So this one is a bit gross and personal, but I want it gone. I have been self conscious of my feet for over 3 years now, which is roughly how long I have had this verruca. I have tried many times to get rid of it, and gotten half way through the treatment and given up. It's time consuming, painful and you have to have someone to help you apply it, which makes it hard to keep on doing for a long period of time. But I am sick of being worried that people will see it, particularly in summer, when I often wear socks in boiling hot weather so people won't see. I am sick of not letting people touch my feet, and I want to be able to walk around this summer without worrying about it. This year I am 100% determined to get rid of it once and for all.

4. Treat myself better. I want this to be the year where I get into the habit of always washing my face, brushing my teeth, using shower gel and moisturising my face and body. Obviously I do these things very regularly, but I don't like the fact that I will allow myself to not do it even just a few times. It's so simple and easy, I don't see why I should let myself go. The main reason I don't always do these things is purely down to laziness. But this year I want to stick to a rigid routine, and so far it's going well. It does take up extra time and it is an effort, but it's worth it. 

5. Eat Better And Move More. So cliche, I know. I, as I said before, am very very lazy. I hate walking and exercising and I have never been too bothered about my diet. I have always been self conscious of my weight, but I could never change my hate for counting calories and exercising to do anything about it, no matter how much I ended up crying into the mirror. But this year feels different. I have become a lot more comfortable with my weight, and it's not so much of an issue to me anymore. This is why I think I am finally able to change my attitudes towards my diet and my exercise. I am trying to do better this year because I am sick of being out of breath when I walk up stairs, I'm sick of my skin being dull and I am sick of feeling lethargic even when I've had a full night's sleep. I want to be healthy, not skinny, and I think that's why I am actually making progress. Very small amounts of progress, but progress all the same. 

6. Grow Up. Having been brought up as the baby of my family, I have always been protected and helped. I always felt very bundled up with people caring for me when I was a child, and this has carried on into my teens and my (almost) adult life. I often get very anxious doing new things, going places and generally doing 'adult things' on my own. In 2014, I got my first proper contracted job, I had to organise meetings and make decisions on my own, go to university open days and talk to people, ask questions, go to my doctors appointments on my own ect. . In the days running up to these events, I had a lot of anxiety and I often felt sick and on edge, constantly worrying about it. I would bite the skin around my nails, the inside of my cheeks and my lips until they would bleed whilst thinking about going. I often felt last year that I was being consumed by fear, and it was a trap I couldn't get out of. I would be sitting in a lesson and I wouldn't be able to focus properly as I was too busy frozen in fear at the thought of going to a shift at work. It got to the point where I wasn't able to go about my day properly and it had a really negative effect on my relationships and general life. This year has to be the year I change this. As I will be hopefully going to university in September this year, I need to do some growing up. I need to take more steps to become familiar with getting out of my comfort zone so I can actually get through September. I plan to do loads of things this year which will prepare me for this, such as going to a hotel without my parents or sisters, booking a weekend away with my boyfriend, going on a long distance train journey and getting another job. The year where you go to university is a hard process for everyone, without the added extras of my anxiety getting in the way. 

7. Take a Self Defense Class. As you may have noticed, I am the most generally worried and frightened of everything person I know. I hate being home alone when it's dark, as I constantly fear there is someone trying to break in or there will be someone waiting to jump out at me. I hate walking alone, especially in quiet areas and when it's getting dark. The fear of being murdered/kidnapped/raped whilst at home or out is a constant fear for me, and I'd like to be able to gain a bit of control over my fear. Whilst it's hard coming to terms with the fact that I can't control whether or not those horrible things will happen to me, I can be more prepared for them. So this Summer, before I move to university, I want to have taken a self defense course. I'm hoping that by making an active move to protect myself against those situations, I can be less afraid, but more prepared. 

There's my top 7, but there's many more smaller things that I want to achieve this year, such as picking up all of my old school work before exam stress gets in the way, passing my driving test, getting another job and getting a university place. I've gone into this year in a really positive place, so I'm hoping this is all achievable, and I can look back next year and be proud of myself.